Saturday, January 17, 2009
Doubt has wiggled its nasty way back into my mind...I am starting to doubt just about everything in my life. Do people like me the way I am, am I good enough, do I even deserve to be happy? Logically, yes, I know the answers to these questions..but with the doubt in me, my heart does not.It is hard living with doubt about yourself, it knocks the secure base out from under your feet, everything seems insecure and in flux. I know I am starting to distance myself from things, trying to lock myself up, to stay inside where people can't be nasty and mean to me. Home, inside is secure and safe. It's a place where I can be me, I do not have to try so hard there. Izzy and D. do like me for myself ( although in my bleakest moments I doubt even that). Tomorrow I need to go out, it would be good for me. Maybe I could go shopping, raid some bookstores. That always makes me feel good. And I will get some fresh air that way.For now, I am home alone, just me and Izzy, watching speed skating on tv.