Tramadol

I have been doing better these last few days. On Friday I had a regular appointment with my shrink, and I am so glad I told him I used painkillers for my broken thumb. I knew Tramadol woud cause some issues with my anti depressants, and I sure felt those. I was restless and extremely nervous. What I did not know was that it would mess with the levels of anti depressants in my system so badly. The shrink told me it may cause these severe after effects after about 3 weeks, which is what happened to me. It may take me a week or two but I will beat this!

Disconnected

Lately I feel as if I am in the wrong place or at least in the wrong time. I feel disconnected from the society I live in and long for something different. I know I use and appreciate all the modern conveniences like wifi and internet and of course modern medicine.....but I do long for something simpler

Depression

I get up and I am fine, I enjoy those when I can. Other days I have to put in some effort to get going and get the fog out of my head. That's ok, I guess everyone has some of those days, even when not struggling with depressions. And then there are the hard days,days when I seem to have to fight every second to keep the dark at bay. It keeps swirling in my head, won't settle no matter how I struggle......no matter that I rationally know there is no reason to feel the way I do ( this might even make it worse). No matter the weather, rain or sunshine...Today seems to be one of those days. I am glad it isn't so bad I can't read, still have my focus so I have an escape for now

tag swap

I have been following the Inspiration Avenue blog for a while now, and love reading all the creative stories. Last year I participated in the post card swap and I loved getting handcrafted things from all over the world in my mail box. So when a new swap was anounced in January it was a no brainer to participate again. We were to make tags this time, and because the tags were to be mailed out in February the theme was hearts ( Valentine's day..). So here are the tags I received ( Sadly I forgot to save the envelopes and I can't credit them to anyone..please comment when you recognize your work). I love the little drawing in the first one, especially since I suck at drawing reallife people..The second one has some stitching in it and I love stitchery ( at the moment I am working on a quilt), and I absolutely love the saying and the way it was executed on the last one. It is almost a two for one..Follow your heart and art! Love them all!!!!

Two birds with one stone

At the moment I am making a cover for my shamans drum. I wanted to start weaving in the round straight away, but found the thread was a bit thin. The lady who gave me the tutorial used a fingerknitted cord, and I decided to use a crocheted thread. So now I am making the thread for my weaving project and teaching myself to crochet at the same time. I am getting good at keeping the tension the same and my chain stitch will be awesome. Later on I will try something more complicated, but for now I am happily watching speedskating and crocheting...

Meanwhile

A lot has happened since I last posted on my blog. All my time got eaten up by wedding preparations as the big day neared. On the 19th of October we had a wonderful wedding, with handmade decorations, flowers and food provided by friends and lovely summer weather in autumn. So after over 11 years of living together I am now Mrs Meyer- Gerritzen. I kept my own name as wel, so now I get to spell my last name twice, neither of them follows the usual spelling. After the wedding we took some time to just relax and enjoy being married. I still have to get used to saying my husband instead of my partner.....I have been saying that for so long. Will get used to the husbandthing eventually I guess, lol. After a month of relaxing a busy time started...my birthday, the dutch holiday of Sinterklaas and of course Yule and the new year..So for now I am off for a fresh start, I want to start blogging more faithfully, since it is a good way for me to vent, and I like writing. D and I have been trying to have a baby for a while and it has not worked out so far, My brother- and sister in law were having the same issues, but with a bit of help from the hospital they are now expecting twins, due in a couple of months. Because we can relate to their issues and love them a lot we are really happy for them and I am busy making baby presents. So when my own sister called yesterday to tell me she was pregnant for the third time I did not expect it to hurt so much..but it did. They already have two healthy boys and were not planning on having a third child...Besides that, me and my sister have not really gotten along the last couple of years. She always gives me the feeling I a failing by not finishing university, not having a job, a car and a house we own. I don't know if she does it on purpose, but it hurts. She does not seems to acknowledge I am ill...It is an old issue and I really did not expect it to hurt so much..I am glad we have good friends who came by after work to play a few boardgames and distract me... On a happier note..since Izzy passed away we acquired a new feline friend for our house. This time we got a black ad white cat from the pund, and called hin Puck. He had a medical condition which needed an expensive plastic surgery..but he was so cute. He still is cute, without his too large eyelid. As I am writing this he is nagging me to be let out, lol. As sioon as I am on the main pc I will upload you a picture of our monster... For now I am going to do some shopping in the city centre, and read my book

Sometimes

Sometimes I just stand back and wonder at what is going on in society. It is like I am not a part of it and I do not really want to be, or even need to be. I have my friends, volunteer at a care home, seem blessed in so many ways. I am not part of the rat race that modern society has become. Sometimes I find myself waxing nostalgic about earlier decades, when life seemed somuch simpler.

Izzy

We've had a tough couple of days here....Last saturday we let our cat Izzy go outside for his walk while we were cleaning the house. Nothing unusual there. But when our Izzy came back home he was dragging his legs and cold not walk properly. It worried us hugely and we decided to go to the vetś clinic. Since we have no car of our own we asked our neighbour to drive us, which he thankfully did.
The vet thought our cat might have taken a fall our had been kicked by somebody, but she also noticed a weak pulse in his leg. This was probably due to a blood clot in one of his veins. He needed some serious pain killers and some blood thinners and would be better of at the clinic. We decided to leave Izzy in the capable hands of the vet and her assistents.
Of course the house felt empty and we missed our monster a lot, but we still had hope. Especially after our call o the vetś office, when the vet told us he seemed better, He was moving around a bit in his cage. Still, it was awfully quiet in the house.
So, now it is monday..the doc called again and the news is not good. Izzy lost all control over his hind quarter and is horribly frustrated. The vet did an ecg, which confirmed the worst. His heart was not working properly, and sending more clots through his body..he coud not get better. I think, deep in my heart, I already knew before she called but it still felt and feels horrible....
We went to the clinic last night and had a good cuddle. He knew we were there and was happy with he attention, he even purred for a while. The vet came and gave hm his sedative and while we petted him he quickly fell asleep. After that came the final shot...
Even the vet said he was tired and it was ok..we could tell he was slipping away fast. The staff at the clinic wer very kind givig us all the time and space we needed, but we still had a tough time. Even now, writing this I am tearing up...I probably will for a while..but it really was for the bst. We didn't want him to struggle and suffer any more.
We will miss Izzy and cry for a bit, but we will also laugh at his silliness and the weird stuff he used to do ( like eat peas and beans, drinking soy milk etc)

Cold and crafty

The last week it has been quite cold, not to say freezing here in the Netherlands. Temperatures have been well below freezing during the day and the northern breeze doesn't help either. There is even talk about organising an old Frisian skating tradition, the Elstedentocht. It is a skating competition of 200 kilometers, it has not been organised in 15 years...Well, I will wait and see, thaw seems to be coming this weekend.
Because of this weather, I have caught up with some crafting work that has been lying around for a while now. I have nearly finished a felt pillow cover that I am making from a pattern by Cinnamon Oatch. It has a nice folksy look. The only thing left to do is sew the front and back together and stuff it

She who talks with relations....

In the last week of January I started a new year long spiritual training based on the Clanmothers by Jamie Sams. Once a month a group of women of all ages ( I am the youngest at 30) gather to learn, celebrate and unite.
Being me, I was vey nervous about the first meeting. Needless of course,because we were made very welcome and felt right at home, being plied with tea and cookies. The atmosphere was one of anticipation and cheer. The group quickly felt like a cohesive unit, wich ensured me that I would be able to share my pains and dreams with women that I hardly knew at this point.
We started our circle with a beautiful ritual of recognition and salutatio, after which the quarters were called with song and spirit was invited. During the circle we sang and share our feelings and thoughts. Each time after a sharing we returned to our own centre, our heart and soul. This is a good way to ensure I don't get swamped with feelings and concern for others...for me this was THE essential lesson, being in tune with your self enhances communication and connection ewih others.
During the day we each sought our own sacred place in the woods nearby. I found a lovely shelterd spot near two immature trees. This place will be my spot for the rest of the training and even now, writing about it, I long to return there. It will be my place to be quiet, to still the whirlwind in my head and reconnect.
Over all I loved the day and I am already looking forward to the next meeting.

A brand new start

Wow, I can't believe it is 2012 already. Sometimes the years just seem to fly by.....without any particular memories attached to days or even months. As you know 2011 was not particularily good for me, but I have learned a lot ad it has helped me realise I don't have time to waste thinking about the future and the past. It is ok to make some plans, but I have to live in the now, the present. Realising this has affected my new years resolutions quite a bit. There are no really lofty goals for this year, my main resolution being to enjoy life every day, in the smallest things if nothing big is happening....Of course there are some things that are more practical that I want to realise: 1 taking better care of myself and my body 2 taking my art more serious 3 getting married ( plans are in the works, finally) Today I am enjoying the idea of a fresh new year, cooking a lovely vindaloo for supper, reading a good book ( Stephen King 11.22.63, in case you are curious), some tea to go with it and a bit of writing and crafting. I hope you all enjoy your day and the year!

What I am doing....

Working on several projects at once as usual. The quilt is nearly done, and for a change I decided to do some painting in a book I am altering. I decided to use a vintage childrens book so I could make an art journal without being bothered by staring at a blank page.

My first attempt at quilting

This might not look like much at the moment, but this is my first attempt at making a quilt. It was intended as a birth gift for a friend, but I took lightly longer. the little girl in question is over 6 months old now. The main reason for this was my sowing machine, which did not agree with me.
With my new mahine I finally had the patience and the experience to finish te machine sewing. Now the real quilting can start! I am feeling rather proud of myself at the moment!
I am afraid I have to go and do the dishes now....blegh...

Owls

Lately I am being stalked by owls. Not literally of course, but I seem to be encountering them an awful lot. It might be time to tune in to the lessons Owl has to teach me. Meanwhile I wanted to share an awesome video with you that my mother in law sent me. http://www.dogwork.com/owfo8/

Autumn

It is finally fall out here....! We had to wait for a bit, but now it is turning chilly and foggy outside. I put out the first batch of bird feed and I already spotted some blue tits and a robin in our garden. Tomorrow I am going shopping for some more bird food supplies, and maybe some nest boxes and some hedgehog supplies.

Zoo

Today D and I decided to go to the zoo, a day out for just the two of us.

Samhain

Another year is over, and a new one just started. We once again stepped into the labyrinth, started the journey within and without again.
The past year has not been an easy one for me. I spent several months healing from yet another depression, and that was hard. still, I feel this time it was different in that I learnt to rcognize several triggers in myself, as well as symptoms Now that I recognize this it is easier for me to get to grips with my mind. I know now that a depression isn't in my head instantly, I kind of slide downwards. Now I recognize my early symptoms i can stop gliding dow and start working towards recovery ear;ier, without reaching the darkest depths.
I also learn some valuable things to do to stop me gliding down. I need to think about me, and not about everything and everyone else. I come first, and this is not a bad thing. If i don't tae care of me I am no good to anybody else either.This might have been the most important thing I have ever learnt, truly learnt......looking after myself does not make me a bad person.
This year I also experienced my first shamanistic ritual when I attended a sweat lodge ceremony at midsummer. After a second sweat lodge last weekend I now know I was resisting the healing a sweat lodge can bring. Because of this I was really ill after my first lodge. Last saturday I really felt my grieve and pain come out physically. My muscles clenched and I had to throw up. My respect and love goes out to the sweat lodge leader, because he helped me so much. He really broke my resistance and freed my from past pain. My respect and love as well for the people who tended the fire. One of them held me after I came out of the lodge and told me it was ok to lean on someone, I don't have to do it all by myself. This woman really touched my heart.....I hope that I will be able to follow the course she teaches next year, because I think she has much to tell and teach me.
This is it for the day. I hope you had a good Samhain celebration as well. Are there any specific lessons yo learned? Do you have any plans for the coming cycle?

new keyboard

I treated myself to a new gadget today. To make typing on my tablet easier and more relaxed I bought an Asus tablet dockung station. So now in effect I have got a teeny laptop with touchscreen. It works wonderfully well and I am rally happy with it.