Enelya's musings

A brand new start

2012-01-02T14:57:00.002+01:00

Wow, I can't believe it is 2012 already. Sometimes the years just seem to fly by.....without any particular memories attached to days or even months. As you know 2011 was not particularily good for me, but I have learned a lot ad it has helped me realise I don't have time to waste thinking about the future and the past. It is ok to make some plans, but I have to live in the now, the present. Realising this has affected my new years resolutions quite a bit. There are no really lofty goals for this year, my main resolution being to enjoy life every day, in the smallest things if nothing big is happening....Of course there are some things that are more practical that I want to realise: 1 taking better care of myself and my body 2 taking my art more serious 3 getting married ( plans are in the works, finally) Today I am enjoying the idea of a fresh new year, cooking a lovely vindaloo for supper, reading a good book ( Stephen King 11.22.63, in case you are curious), some tea to go with it and a bit of writing and crafting. I hope you all enjoy your day and the year!

What I am doing....

2011-12-05T15:57:00.001+01:00

Working on several projects at once as usual. The quilt is nearly done, and for a change I decided to do some painting in a book I am altering. I decided to use a vintage childrens book so I could make an art journal without being bothered by staring at a blank page.

My first attempt at quilting

2011-11-21T13:28:00.001+01:00

This might not look like much at the moment, but this is my first attempt at making a quilt. It was intended as a birth gift for a friend, but I took lightly longer. the little girl in question is over 6 months old now. The main reason for this was my sowing machine, which did not agree with me.
With my new mahine I finally had the patience and the experience to finish te machine sewing. Now the real quilting can start! I am feeling rather proud of myself at the moment!
I am afraid I have to go and do the dishes now....blegh...

Owls

2011-11-19T10:26:00.001+01:00

Lately I am being stalked by owls. Not literally of course, but I seem to be encountering them an awful lot. It might be time to tune in to the lessons Owl has to teach me. Meanwhile I wanted to share an awesome video with you that my mother in law sent me. http://www.dogwork.com/owfo8/

Autumn

2011-11-14T15:34:00.002+01:00

It is finally fall out here....! We had to wait for a bit, but now it is turning chilly and foggy outside. I put out the first batch of bird feed and I already spotted some blue tits and a robin in our garden. Tomorrow I am going shopping for some more bird food supplies, and maybe some nest boxes and some hedgehog supplies.

Zoo

2011-11-06T16:22:00.001+01:00

Today D and I decided to go to the zoo, a day out for just the two of us.

Samhain

2011-11-02T15:25:00.001+01:00

Another year is over, and a new one just started. We once again stepped into the labyrinth, started the journey within and without again.
The past year has not been an easy one for me. I spent several months healing from yet another depression, and that was hard. still, I feel this time it was different in that I learnt to rcognize several triggers in myself, as well as symptoms Now that I recognize this it is easier for me to get to grips with my mind. I know now that a depression isn't in my head instantly, I kind of slide downwards. Now I recognize my early symptoms i can stop gliding dow and start working towards recovery ear;ier, without reaching the darkest depths.
I also learn some valuable things to do to stop me gliding down. I need to think about me, and not about everything and everyone else. I come first, and this is not a bad thing. If i don't tae care of me I am no good to anybody else either.This might have been the most important thing I have ever learnt, truly learnt......looking after myself does not make me a bad person.
This year I also experienced my first shamanistic ritual when I attended a sweat lodge ceremony at midsummer. After a second sweat lodge last weekend I now know I was resisting the healing a sweat lodge can bring. Because of this I was really ill after my first lodge. Last saturday I really felt my grieve and pain come out physically. My muscles clenched and I had to throw up. My respect and love goes out to the sweat lodge leader, because he helped me so much. He really broke my resistance and freed my from past pain. My respect and love as well for the people who tended the fire. One of them held me after I came out of the lodge and told me it was ok to lean on someone, I don't have to do it all by myself. This woman really touched my heart.....I hope that I will be able to follow the course she teaches next year, because I think she has much to tell and teach me.
This is it for the day. I hope you had a good Samhain celebration as well. Are there any specific lessons yo learned? Do you have any plans for the coming cycle?

new keyboard

2011-11-02T13:28:00.002+01:00

I treated myself to a new gadget today. To make typing on my tablet easier and more relaxed I bought an Asus tablet dockung station. So now in effect I have got a teeny laptop with touchscreen. It works wonderfully well and I am rally happy with it.

2011-10-28T15:02:00.001+02:00

time to experiment

2011-10-28T14:53:00.002+02:00

I finally hadtime to try out my new sowing machine. I saw it on sale and couldn't resist since I did not like working with my old one. Now I can finally finish the quilt I have been working on for almost a year. I just could not make myself like working on the old one. I won't start working today because todI want to try and fiisha small felt project that has been lying around for a while as well. Plus, I want to make a card for a friend and sort out my pictures from our holiday in lovely Ireland. Another thing I wanted to share with you is my improvement in knitting skills. My lovely friend Evelien taught me how to purl....new projects looming on the horizon!!!!!!

It is real now....

2011-09-28T15:46:00.001+02:00

It is real now, I am turning 30 in 2 months time. Today I got a lette in the mail that I would soon be invitited for something called a population exam. Women between 30 and 65 get invited to have a pap smear done every couple of years. The national health department provides services like these here in Holland so diseases like ovarian and breast cancer get spotted early on.
So it is official now, I am turning 30......àaaaaaaaargh.....

autumn colours

2011-09-21T14:11:00.001+02:00

This is a painting I finished recently, and I really like it. Hope you do to

finished

2011-09-14T15:18:00.001+02:00

work in progress

2011-09-11T12:42:00.001+02:00

progress

2011-09-08T16:45:00.001+02:00

I have come quite away in my little project.....

Embroidery

2011-09-07T13:31:00.001+02:00

Lately I have been enjoying my embroidery a lot, and I like surfing for patterns as well. So when I found the monthly stitch along on at feelingstitchy.com I couldn't resist it. I am embroidering on a soft brown flanel so all the halloweeny bright colours will stand out nicely. I will keep you updated on my progress

2011-09-06T19:57:00.001+02:00

Here is another Worlde I made with my blog about poppies

It took me a while....

2011-09-06T19:51:00.002+02:00

again, I am trying to become more literate in the bloggosphere, so today I applied a new template to my blog. After loads of fiddling and some help from D. I finally got it to work. Yay for me!!!!

Finally summer

2011-08-02T12:08:00.001+02:00

We've had a wet July over here but it seems summer had finally arrived. The weather people warned it will be just for two days do I had beter enjoy it:-)

Blue lady

2011-07-07T21:41:00.001+02:00

I worked on this painting for several weeks, and you know what? I actually like it
Even better, it took me a while, but i finally figured out how fo post this from my tablet!!!!!!

Poppies

2011-07-05T09:08:00.001+02:00

<p>I have learned a valuable lesson these past few months. There will be light after darkness, things will turn out to be all right. These might sound simple and even logical if you have never suffered through a severe clinical depression. I was so far gone into my own inner darkness I didn' t realise this. Just about the only thing that still spoke to me were my plants, they were about the only thing I could enjoy...
Poppies were my favorite because they are so vibrant and lively. I undestand why the British use it to commemorate their war dead. Poppies are pioneers, when ground is disturbedit is one of the first plants to conquer this new ground. They were the first flowers that came to the trenches at the end of World War One....and this is what I felt like after living with hell in my head or such a long time. I have claimed poppies, or maybe they have claimed me. Poppies are my plant spirit helpers, they show me things will be all right, no matter what. That is why I have a new tattoo on my leg, to remind me of the lesson poppy taught me.

What happened (2)..........

2011-06-30T15:41:00.001+02:00

I promised last time I would tel you what happened after I started my hospitql treatment for my depression. First of all I was scared to death by the whole experience of meetingnew people and having to tell them about my issues but I quickly decided I might as well, because if I did not I would not get any better. My doctor and nurse decided I should be placed in the autonomy group. Here I was to try and find my own identity again, after years of trying to please others. I had to go to the hospital three days a week to have all sorts of therapy with my group, like music therapy,group talks and creative therapy.
It might be a bit much to explain all the details here, but after a while I started to feel better and it was decided I should go to another therapy as well, cognitive behavior therapy. I learned to step outside my own thought processes and asses them objectively. This therapy gave me the most valuable lesson I have had in therapy so far: my thoughts are NOT facts....What I have going on in myheadis my perception of reality, and not reality itself. It might sound simple but it sure was a major life changer for me. After this breakthrough things went quickly, and I was released from the program on the twefth of May. I am still on y meds, and probably will be for the rest of my life but I am ok with that now. I still go to creative therapy once a week as well since I still have some issues to work on, but I am feeling better than I have in 10 years.
So, now you know what happened to me in the months that I was away from the blog.

yay

2011-06-30T12:00:00.002+02:00

I have some good news,well,iyou follow this blog that is. I will beable to update more often because we just bought ourselves, or to be honest me, a tablet computer! This means i don' t have to start up the main c in the house anymore. For now just this short message, i am off to have lunch.

What happened...

2011-06-20T14:16:00.002+02:00

when I was offline for the last couple of months? I was being treated for a major depression at my local hospital. When I finally figured out I could not fight this thing on my own it was about october, maybe november. I decided to ask my housedoctor for a referal to a psychiatrist, and he gave me one, but that included a waitinglist of four months. After struggling with the idea for a couple of weeks I decided I couldn't make it, I wouldn't make it waiting those months and asked for a referal to the hospital. I got one just before Yule, and I was given new meds immediately, a higher dose of my anti depressants and an antipsychotic. I was given the option to see how things went at home, at least until after the holidays. To be honest, I struggled ..... I did not want to be hospitalized however, so it was decided I would have an ambulant care program which would take care of three days a week.. I will tell you more about that the next time I am online

I'm back....

2011-06-07T13:36:00.002+02:00

Hi everyone, I know it has been a long while since I have written a blog but I have been through a rough patch these last couple of months.But I am back and hope to keep you updated once more of things happening in ,y life at the moment and stuff that happened the last couple of months

Inspiration

2010-12-07T16:54:00.002+01:00

I have been absent for a while, because I was quite uninspired. I didn't feel like doing much, let alone keep my blog up to date. But now I am feeling better, I want to share my life and things with the world again. It has been cold here recently, with snow and everything that comes with it hindering public life. But it also resulted in this picture of a jay in my garden.

Lammas

2010-08-02T07:39:00.002+02:00

Yesterday was Lammas, the start of the harvest. This year the harvest in our garden will be dissapointing, since the summer was very, very dry. But nevertheless we have things to be gratefull for: D has found a job, I finally acknowledged I couldn't keep up with mine, we have loving friends and some loving relatives, no more worries about money...That counts for a lot, I would say. We celebrated Lammas by baking bread with spelt, rye and herbs, and I made a pumpkin soup with the first pumpkin from grandpa's garden. We roasted the seeds, yum...and enjoyed a wonderfull meal in the garden, with a lit fire. This was only briefly interrupted by some rain.Our Lammas celebrations will continue for a while, since we are having some dear friends over from Ireland, and I love sharing good food and stories. I would like to hear from you, how did you celebrate Lammas/ Lughnasadh this year? Or if you didn't, tell me why. I have some good plans for the day, doing house chores like folding the laundry and vacuuming. But I also plan to spend some time painting and I want to call a dear friend to hear how she is doing, as well as updating my sister about the marriage plans. Have a good day!

News

2010-07-28T09:20:00.000+02:00

I guess we have told everybody who should know, so now I can announce it to the bloggosphere....D proposed....we are getting married. We have no date yet, but I wil try to keep you updated!

Books

2010-07-10T06:50:00.002+02:00

As many of you know I am an avid reader.....much to the regret of my husband, who keeps complaining about sagging bookshelves and not having any space or money left over. Well, I can't fix the first two, but thanks to Amy at the wonderful blog Pasaages to the past, I might be able to fix the last. She is hosting a give away of the book The King's mistress by Emma Campion. How cool is that, a shot at a free book! and evenm better, it is historical ficton, the best kind! Here's a synopsis History has not been kind to Alice Perrers, the notorious mistress of King Edward III. Scholars and contemporaries alike have deemed her a manipulative woman who used her great beauty and sensuality to take advantage of an aging and increasingly senile king. But who was the woman behind the scandal? A cold-hearted opportunist or someone fighting for her very survival? Like most girls of her era Alice is taught obedience in all things. At the age of fourteen she marries the man her father chooses for her, dutifully accepting the cost of being torn from the family she holds so dear and losing the love of her mother forever. Despite these heartbreaks Alice finds that merchant Janyn Perrers is a good and loving husband and the two settle into a happy life together. Their bliss is short-lived, however, unraveled the dark day a messenger appears at Alice's door and notifies her of Janyn's sudden disappearance. In the wake of this tragedy, Alice learns that her husband kept many dangerous secrets--secrets that result in a price on her own head and that of her beloved daughter. Her only chance to survive lies in the protection of King Edward and Queen Philippa, but she therefore must live at court as a virtual prisoner. When she is singled out by the king for more than just royal patronage, the stakes are raised. Disobeying Edward is not an option, not when her family is at risk, but the court is full of ambitious men and women, many of whom will stop at nothing to see her fall fron grace. The whispers and gossip abound, isolating Alice, who finds unexpected solace in her love for the king. Emma Campion paints a colorful and thrilling portrait of the court of Edward III--with all of its extravagance, scandalous love affairs, political machinations, and murder--and the devastating results of being singled out by the royal family. At the center of the storm is Alice, surviving by her wits in this dangerous world where the choices are not always of her own making. Emma Campion's dazzling novel shows that there is always another side to the story.

Manic monday

2010-07-05T21:32:00.004+02:00

I got tons of stuff done over the weekend with D out of the way. It was time for a good house clering and cleaning. Today was D's first day in his new job and I kinda relaxed.I didn't feel too good when I got up this morning, sometimeds I just have these days when that happens. I did some grocery shopping, nothing special. But when I unpacked my basket at the cash register I noticed most of my products where organic. Go me! At home I had some tea, my mom in law came over for tea and a chat. After that I didn't feel like being alone....felt rubbish actually So I called my grandparents to see if they were home and biked over. I helped out in the garden by picking berries. Mainly for my own benefit, since gran's freezer is so full they might make it through another world war....I took home about 3 kilo's of berries. I have loved these berries since I was a kid, but Goddess, picking them isn't fun. It does connect you to the land and the Goddess. There are plenty of berries left for the blackbirds to eat, we have to share of course. Tomorrow I am going to see my therapist, I am going to try and take some babay steps in the direction of a regular life again.I might actually get some help from the government on that, but it will take an appeal about my disability benefits. I am glad D knows how this stuff works, so he can handle it for me. I try to keep up with all the paperwork, but to be brutally honest I can't. At the moment I am having a good day if I don't cry or feel like crying, and all that stuff freaks me out a lot. Apart from that I will go and help out mom in law. Someone is coming over to pick up some origami books, but she can't be at home...I will go over and make sure the books get handed over. Because I am in the neighbourhood I moght go and do some shopping, the town she lives in has some nice and special shops. I hope you all had a better day,e njoy your evening.

Another scorcher

2010-07-03T07:36:00.003+02:00

Today is promising to be another scorcher. Yesterday the peak temperature was 36 degrees celsius, the same is expected today. Thankfully we might actually get some rain tonight, since the garden sure could use some. Too bad the rain will come in the shape of thunderstorms, so I already helped the tomatoes out with some supports, otherwise we probably wont have a plant left. I got up at 5 this morning, trying to get some stuff done before it gets too hot. The temperature was 20 at that time. I opened all the windows and doors in the house, trying to catch some fresh air, did the dishes, varnished some art work I made yesterday, had breakfast, did some yard work and still managed to squeeze in some reading. I don't have a real plan for the rest of the day. I am on my own since D. has gone to a camp with his judo club and won't be back till tomorrow evening. Great planning, lol, since he is starting his new job on Monday. By Tuesday he will be exhausted, since he hardly sleeps on these camps. I need to feed the cats of a friend and do some shopping to finish two lanterns I am decorating for my mom in law. I moght go to the hairdresser, if I can make up my mind about what I want. My hair is wel past my shoulders, but I always wear it up, so I have been contemplating getting it shortened. Well that is enough rambling from me, enjoy your weekend

Decision time

2010-06-24T15:53:00.002+02:00

My job agent from the temp agency I worked for called me yesterday, to make an appointment. I immediately got nervous, because this ment I had to face the facts....I have been home on sick leave for over a month now, and just the idea of going back freaks me out a lot. In my heart, I know I don't want to go back. I like helping people, but it is just getting me stressed out and even making me ill.So today at my meeting, we decided together I wouldn't be going back to the office, the contract would be ended by mutual agreement. My agent was very supportive and nice about it, told me I should get well first, and not to come back for a callcenter job..... So, I have faced the facts, reached a decision. It is hard to admit I can't do something, but I already feel better for ding so. I am glad I had the opportunity, since D. was accepted for a full time job yesterday. It feels good to not be the one who is responsible for the main income. I will go back to work, I do not want to get isolated, just not straight away. Another positive point is that I actually did qualify for the young handicapped benefits. This means my income will be kept up to 75% of minimum wages, and they might have to help me find a new suitable job. So things are looking up for me. Our live has been turned topsy turvy, but mostly to the good. D. might be able to keep teaching some judo, just not to the extent he was doing....but I now he will still be involved in the club in other ways.

2010-06-21T20:31:00.002+02:00

selkie, by Damh the bard

2010-06-21T20:29:00.001+02:00

Derailed

2010-05-26T20:23:00.002+02:00

Last Thursday I derailed, in a therapy session I had to admit to myself I am totally stressed out and overtaxed. On advice of my therapist I am home on sick leaf for at least two weeks.....that stinks because I won't get paid but I really really need it. I need to rest and re-energize, eat good foods and sleep, and mainly try to relax. That last thing isn't as easy as it sounds, since I am having some trouble concentrating, which makes it kind of hard to read a book. When I am really into it it is ok, but before I reach that point I have to really really focus. So for the moment I am at home, trying to do some housework, and enjoy the garden, changed with some creative stuff when I feel good enough.I will keep you posted about what's happening to me

Balloons

2010-05-11T16:02:00.002+02:00

Of course I have to tell you how the balloon fest ended up going. We certainly had loads of fun doing it. We walked across town with all those balloons on a string, we did get some funny looks, as you might imagine. When we got to the house we had to figure out a way to hang them, and finally strung them from the house to a tree. Of course dad had a big surprise when he got up later on. He really enjoyed his surprise and we had a lovely birthday dinner! I am looking forward to my weekend, just one more day to go! I hope you enjoy your evening

Tough times

2010-05-08T21:40:00.002+02:00

Somehow this week seems to be extra hard this year. In Europe it is mother's day tomorrow and it was my mom's birthay on the 7th. It hit hard this time, so hard in fact I tok 2 days of from work,. Not by choice but by necessity, since I started crying over breakfast on Thursday. Thanks to a very kind D. and loving mother in law I am feeling a lot better at the moment. I have had a relaxing couple of days, and boy I needed them. I baked some muffins, quite a challenge without wheat and milk. I used spelt flower and it actually worked really well. Next time I want to use stevia to sweeten them, to cut down on the sugar.Instead of regular milk I used soy wich worked fine. I love experimenting in the kitchen, and working around the lack of wheat and dairy is an interesting challenge. Today I worked in the garden as well, I have sown some poppies, sweet corn, butternut squash, woad and delphiniums, repotted the tomatoes and peas. I hope the harvest will be good this year. I enjoy pottering around in the garden and connencting to the Mother. It is such a miracle to see something grown from a tiny seed, into a full plant and eventually into something we can eat. I don't have any really exciting plan for tomorrow. It is my dad in law's 60th birthfau, so we have made two strings of 30 balloons....we are going to decorate the outside of his house tomorrow morning. How on earth we are supposed to take 30 balloons each? Without a car....across town? I don't know, but I'll make sure t bring some spare balloons, lol. I think we will have loads of fun! Ca't wait to see the look on his face, he doesn't know we are planning anything because D's brother is out of town. I am lookig forward to next week, it is another short one in the office, since Thursday and Friday are mandatory days off. I have promised myself a long weekend filled with creative stuff. D won't be around either, he is going to Sweden on a judo trip this Wednesday.Hope to see ya'll soon

It hurts

2010-04-15T09:37:00.002+02:00

Sometimes I hurt, it hurts when people don't accept my ilness because it is not visisble on the outside. Just like diabetes, which is considered a true illness. Yesterday I had an appointment with an expert to see if I qualify for a special benefits system for young handicapped people. The man basically told me I am too well, since I have a job and do function in society. i wish he could see in my heart and soul. I have to work so hard just to keep going. I guess now I am just waiting for a break down so I can't work at all.....maybe they will understand that

My Easter weekend

2010-04-07T09:35:00.003+02:00

Here in Holland most people have two days off over Easter.....the sunday and the monday following it. Because I had last friday and yesterday of as well it was like a mini holiday to me. For the first couple of days I just poked around the house, clearing up and cooking. On Monday we decided to go for a walk in the forests nearby. Because we figured it wuld be busy we decided we'd leave really early, so we got on our bikes at half past six! It was really really early but so pretty...in the magical time between day and night. First we biked for about 15 kilometers as it slowly got lighter and lighter. We spotted geese aplenty, and lots and lots of bunnies. We were actually the first people there when we parked our bikes. First we walked out over the moors for a bit to enjoy the views. Almost right away we spotted two deer. We were watching them and they ware watching us. Too bad our camera has broken down....Later on we decided to walk a tour of about 5 kilometers, which we extended to walk to an observation point. We enjoyed the silence and the magic of the sun creeping through the mostly leafless trees. At the observation point we spotted some more deer, and enjoyed rolling views of moors and forest. We truly live in one of the most beautiful parts of the Netherlands. We keep on planning to go and walk but we hardly ever manage to do so. I hope we can go out more often in the future. To enable this we bougfht a good map in the visitor centre. I hope I will be able to tell you more about our walks. Enjoy your day!

Wednesday

2010-03-31T08:38:00.002+02:00

I have started writing my blog in the office, before I actually have to start working. I tend to come in early everyday and this is a good way to be able to keep up the writing. As I wrote yesterday, I got the results of my competency test. It turns out this test can tell me a lot about myself. D joked it would cost me a fortune in psychotherapy to get to know myself this well. I am shy, and lack confidence ( no surprises there) and I am a perfectionist. I am also a creative and a anlatical person who enjoys her languages and reading.Job suggestions where historian ( hmmm, maybe I shouldn't have given up my studies at college.......) and librarian and maybe social worker. The last thing might be too taxing, but I do like helping and coaching people. I also received the report of the doctor I had to visit for my social benefits for young handicapped people. After the meeting, which lasted only 15 minutes I was terrified and had to cry. I didn't think it went all that well but the report is very positive. it states i am doing everything I can do to get better, that I have been ill since before my 17th birthday. Plus it says I can't work for over 24 hours. For now I am just waiting for another appointment with somebosy from the benefits office. I have to go and do some actual work now...Enjoy your day

Thoughts for tuesday

2010-03-30T07:35:00.002+02:00

At the moment I am reading a really interesting book about mindfullness and depression. I haven't come far yet, because it is a hard read. It is not that it is difficult but this book is very confrontational. I recognise myself in the things the authors describe which can be very painfull sometimes. The section I am reading now is abot our ( the human ) way of dealing with difficulties and trouble. Our brain gives us a signal, going hey, this isn't as it should be, solve it. We go and think about it, analyse and solve the problem. This is a great method of solving external problems but doesn't work for depressions. Analysing your depressions and feelings of sadness and inadequacy makes you feel even worse. this in turn signals the brain to do something...it makes for a nevr ending down ward spiral.... Very interesting, and difficult to read. Basically it is my own brain processes that are making and keeping me ill. The rest of the book discusses strategy and exercises to deal with depression. When I have read some more I will let you know what I think about it. For today I have a short period of work, from 8 till 12. After that I have an appointment to discuss the competency test I took earlier. I am really curious abou the results...I kinda know it is going to say i shouldn't be doing the job I am doing, but hey I didn't need the test to tell me that. For now, I am going to get ready for the start of my working day. Enjoy your day!

Relaxing

2010-03-14T09:24:00.002+01:00

Weekend, time to relax and center...I really need my weekend these days, since my job is so stressfull. Yesterday I actaully went to the gym, to do some training and I enjoyed it. It is fun to exercise my muscles and my brain at the same time. Sport is good for everybody, but especially for people who struggle with depressions like me. When you exercise your brain will release certain chemicals that make you feel better...so going to the gym has a dual purpose for me. It hels me lose weight and get fit, but it also makes me feel better! Toady my muscles are a bit sore, but that is to be expected. I will take it easy today, do some writig and reading, and I will go and watch the start of the Formula One season. I know it sounds odd, beig an eco minded witch, but I really enjoy watchi motorsports, like Formula One and the Dakar rally. It started when I was about ten years old and hasn't passes yet, so I think I will allow myself this one indulgence...at least I don't drive a car myself, lol. I am of to do some writing for the witchcraft magazine published by my friend, time to be useful again....

Thursday thoughts

2010-03-11T15:39:00.002+01:00

I am having a hard time these last couple of days....I feel very tired and melancholic for some reason. It is just hard to motivate myslf to go and do stuff, to be creative in any way. I am fed up with feeling like that. In a few more minutes I am claring my desk and I will go and do somthing.......just to get the energy flowing again. Maybe that will make me feel better ( aaarg the e on my keyboard seems to have died.....taps it hard...better now..) Last Sunday I started a new diet, to lose some more weight and to help me fight of my depressions. I have stoppped eating wheat and dairy, which should help my metabolsim, and I am trying to eat less carbs. I will keep you postd about the results, and just to be honest...I started at 90 kg. It seems the neurotransmitter I am having troubl with, serotonin, is very much influenced by what you eat, but it also affects the production of insulin, and thus my metabolism...Interesting what just one thing can cause in a body, huh? For now I am just keeping my fingers crossed, because D had a job interview on Tuesday,and the lady h had the interview with left a message telling him to call her after 16:30 h......I hop he gets it...fingers crossed!!! Talk to you soon

Newgrange

2010-03-08T15:46:00.003+01:00

Ok, I have finally found some time to write about my experiences at Newgrange a couple of weeks ago. Since some of you might not know what or where Newgrange is I will start with some geeral information about the site. Newgrange is a megalithic passage tomb, located in the Boyne valley in Ireland, about an hour's drive from Dublin.Megalithic means it was built of(large) stones. Newgrange was buit about 5000 years ago, which means it is older then the pyramids in Egypt. What makes Newgrange passage tomb is the fact that there is a passage inside that takes you to the center of the tomb...the tomb bit should be quite clear, lol. The wonderful thing is that Newgrange has been entirely restored and you are able to go inside with a guide. To me that was the most wonderful thing I could imagine, despite my fear of enclosed spaces. So we drove up there, in the snow (snow is quite rare in the Dublin area), and the first view we got of the monument was just breathtaking. It dominates the entire valley, and peole must be able to see it from miles away o a bright day. To me, the idea that this gigantic monument has bee there for so lang and has been seen by my ancestors was something very, very special. It is almost indescribable. Our guide took some time to tell us about the tomb and it's construction and after this she took our group inside. Once inside I was awed by the skills of the people who built it. It was so pretty and majestic on the inside, it was hard to remember the people who created this had so little in he way of tools...Our guide told us about the wintersolsitice, because around this date the sun enters the roofbox of Newgrange and shines along the passageway. She simulated this effect by turning of the lights and an artificial beam reproduced the effect of the sun.It was just awe inspiring and very very magical. It made me cry, I felt so at home and so comforted, deep inside Danu's womb. I think I could just hav estayed there for the rest of the day. Regretfully, that was not possible, but as soon as I have a chance I will be going back for sure. And if you ever happen to be in Dublin, even for just a couple of days, go and experience it yourself.

Monday mutterings

2010-02-15T17:37:00.002+01:00

Today was a very trying day, but with a fun reason. Yesterday evening D. and I went to a Fairy Ball, and we were home late, pasi 1 am. Too bad the alarm clock sounded at 6 am....I will just go to bed early today I guess. We had good fun, mainly because of our friends and the atmosphere they created. Too bad the setting wasn't great, there wasn't enough room to do a proper ball folk dance at all. But we danced our own weird, improvised dances and had fun anyway. I receied a wonderfull present as well from T. She had an enlargement printed from a photo she took in Glastonbur, in the Chalice Well gardens. It is a picture of one of my beloved squirrels ( I will tell you about my connection with these cuties later on). I will go and frame it soon, because it is so lovely! Thank you T, you are the best! Even better, when I came home today there was a very pretty card waiting from her when I came home. She sent it to make me smile and to tell me I am doing great. That is always nice to hear, of course. Lately I have been trying to learn to love an dappreciate myself. That of course means taking care of myself as well, and that has never been my strong suit, I just didn't feel I was worth taking care of, or pampering. I always tried to hide in large skirts and behind my long and dreary hair. I haven't started loving myself all of a sudden, but I am working on it by taking care of myself. I had my hair cut in a more feminine way, I use make up and try to feel girly and pretty. Sometimes it is an uphill battle but some days even I think I look pretty ( and I have always been my own harshest critic. For now I will go and enjoy my cup of tea, I have earned some r & r before starting dinner ( we are having salmon, with fennel and rice I think). See you all soon!

I know I promised....

2010-02-12T17:15:00.001+01:00

I know I promised to write more often but somehow I get caught up in life so I don't get to write as often as I would like...That's why I haven't been around much lately, the job, life in general.....sometimes I feel like I am so busy I could walk past myself at any time. That is one of the main reasons why I have decided to start working less. I have been working 30 hours a week but I found I was right on the edge of what I could handle. I did not have any energy left to do fun stuff or just regular chores around the house. So I talked to my supervisor and after loads of talking was able to reduce my hours to 26 a week. I find I now have time to think and do stuff for myself and I finally get to spend some quality time with D. We hang out and go shopping together and I do not need the entire weekend just to get ready for the coming week. I am glad I made this decision, although it won't be easy on the finances at all.D. still hasn't found a job, and I am earning less. I finally consulted a specialist and we have decided that I should apply for a special social support, especially for young handicapped people. It is harsh to say about myself but I will never be able to work a full 40 hours a week because of my depressions and lack of resistance to stress. I will keep you posted about this proces because it will probably be a drawn out thing.I am also going to do some tests to see wether I might be better suited for another job, and maybe the government will be able to help me if I need some more training.I will let you know about this as well. Of course I have some good news as well. A lot has happened since Yule. I finally got my tattoo! It hurt like hell but I am really happy with it. Now the goddess will always be with me, as will my totem animal the dolphin. Furthermore I have been able to go to Glastonbury again ( i will write about that later...when I have the pics to show as well) and I will be going to Ireland next week, where I will visit E and her husband and we will be oing to Newgrange and I am thinking about visiting Tara as well. This time I promise to keep you updated, I enjoy writing too much not to do it.For now it is dinner time, I will go and enjoy my home made bean soup.

Yule

2009-12-24T12:35:00.001+01:00

We have had the shortest day, light is returning slowly, we have had te darkest days..I am glad the sun is getting a bit stronger every day, nature will start to revive quite soon. I am already looking forward to Imbolc and the return of the Maiden and everything she represents. I need healing, I need to learn how to trust. My lack of trust in people is holding me back...I need to know not all people will hurt me like my aprents did.I also need to learn to trust my own judgement, to trust my own feelings and knowledge. I am trying to learn this by finfing out what makes me truly happy. I keep a list of this I did every day to make my soul happy....it makes me grateful for the things i have. I think that is an important thing in times like these. Christmas seems to become an increasingly commercial thing, revolving about eating and getting presents, buying stuff...Not about important things and being thankfuk for our family an happiness. Kind of sad and also a symptom of the disease that riddles our society. I hope you all enjoy your holidays and wish you a save and healthy 2010

A hell of a week

2009-12-19T10:44:00.002+01:00

Wow, I am so glad it is saturday..I've had a hell of a week. Last Monday my soulsister Moonhare finally had her brain surgery. She has been suffering from a benign brain tumor for almost two years and it is finally gone. She isn't sick anymore, it is 'just' recovery now.... Last Sunday D. and I travelled to Leiden to support Monhare and her family by watching the kid and the cats and dogs...Monday was a hell, waiting for the call from the hospital to tell how the surgery was. The call came later than we expected and Moonhare's husband was strung out on stress and coffee by the time the good news came. Surgery went well and he could come and sit with her.D. and I watched the kid, did the shopping and cooking and waited for him to come home. After dinner he took me to visit and it actually scared me to bits..she was so ill, so sick and she looked so small in the big hospital bed with all the wires and iv tubes coming from her body. I tried to work the next day but I totally lost it, I broke down and went home....had to have some down time after the stress. I worked the rest of the week and tried o go and visit her last Thursday. That did not work out because of major snowfall. The trains were not running and the highways were jammed up. Yesterday at 16:00 my phone whent while I was working, Moonhare's husband calling..I couldn't pick it up straight away so I called him back, nervous and hart racing. The news was extreme...she was home..... I still can't believe the week I have had, don't even want to imagine how her week was. I will go and visit her today, give her a cuddle and just sit with her. Meanwhile I will ray for here speedy recovery...She earned it.

Hello everybody

2009-12-11T09:10:00.002+01:00

Hi everyone, just wanted to let you wl know I am ok. I have just been terriby busy with my job and have been to tired to write anything proper. Promise it will be better in the new year. For now I have some news about myself. I have been to see a gyneacologist and a psychiatrist to see if I can safely have a baby while on my meds. They decided the risk of me stopping my antidepressants where bigger than the risks of the side effects of the meds. I am glad I do not have to sop taking my pills, because sometimes it seems they are the only thing keeping me going. So D. and I can try for a baby of our own now, I only have to report to the hospital when I am pregnant. Another good message is I have finally found a therapist that seems to be working for me. She is a registered natural therapist, and we talk about why I am on this planet and what lessons I have to learn in this life. This week we did a short regression, going back to the point where I chose my parents, to see if I could figure out what lessons I need to learn. My baic lesson turns out to be trust, in myself, not depending on others, on being sure of myself. I think this lesson is one of the hardest I have to learn and I know this life isn't my first try at it either. I'll get back to you on this subject. For now this is all, I have to go and type some emails

Update

2009-10-13T18:30:00.002+02:00

I have loads of news again. I will start with the nes about my opa. It's not cancer!!! Very glad about that. We were out of the doctor's office in about five minutes, it's just an infection that has to clear up on it's own. Opa won't have to see the doctor till january. Good news in another part of my family. My younger sister give birth to a healthy baby boy on the 4th of October. He's a mont early but healthy and is named David Daniel ( Daniel after our opa..). So now I am an auntie for the first time. Still feels weird, because we are trying to have kids of our own as well, but I have to see a specialist because I take anti depressants.. More news...still very busy with work, I really need a few days off, but that's not likely to happen for a few more weeks, maybe not even this year.We migt be the only company that is soooo busy. The company I work for is a semi governemental organisation that helps people find a new job after being sacked. It is actually a requirement for unemployment benefits to be registered with het Werkbedrijf ( Workcompany). So we are still training new employees every month. Hope I will write to you again sooner, lots of love

I am still alive

2009-09-25T16:39:00.002+02:00

Just wanted to let you know I am still alive and nothing bad has happened to me. I've just been superbusy with my work and D.'s birthday. Plus my granddad, or opa as we say, has not been well. He had a check up recently after his pneumopnia this spring and they found something in his airways a couple of weeks ago. 'He's had a whole battery of tests but so far no results. I am keeping my fingers crossed, because he has a docter's appointment next Friday. I hope you will keep him in your thoughts, because I have a very bad feeling about all of this.I will keep you updated.

Beautiful reminder

2009-08-10T20:32:00.003+02:00

Last Saturday I went to the beach with a group of pagan friends to have a drumming circle. Not for the first time we didn't do any drumming, but we enjoyed the weather and the company, along with the food ( even with the extra ingredient you can't avoid at the beach, sand, lol).For me it was extra special. Most of you know Danu is my matron goddess, and to me she is a water goddess, and especially a sea goddess. I hadn't swum in the North Sea in ages, and I felt so relaxed. I was able to enjoy myself, let my inner child out and be free, without worrying about my body ( Thanks for the tankini, T.) and about what other people would think of me. My mother held me in her arms, encouraged me to play, rocked me and caressed me. It was a beautiful experience and a definite reminder to do this more often. Plus, it allowed me to wash away all the stress and insecurity that came with my new job, I had a wonderful time. The plan is to go to the beach for Mabon, Danu's feast and the time of her element. I will definitely be swimming again, even though the weather will probably not be too nice anymore by then.I will go to the beach more often to honour Danu, and because the beach is not exactly beside the door I will try and find a good place to honor her at one of the major rivers near our home. All rivers eventually reach the sea, and all water is part of a beautiful circle. I haven't fully delth with all the emotions and ideas I picked up last Saturday but it was a great reminder of Danu..I should allow more time to honor her and enjoy life.

A wonderful weekend

2009-08-03T18:35:00.002+02:00

I had a terrific weekend with friends and family. We spent both saturday and sunday at a renaissance fair, strolling around, watching people enjoying the food and some great music, combined with maybe a bit too much mead. I really enjoyed relaxing and soaking up the atmosphere and generally hangig out with people I don't get to see everyday. My friend E. combined a research trip from Ireland with a trip to Castlefest and I really enjoyed seeing her. On saturday evening there was a great show by a Dutch pagan band called Omnia, combined with the burning of a wicker figure to celebrate Lughnasad. They palyed this song last, and it was great, a 1,000 people shouting the chorus..loads of energy, a great way of honouring the Morrigan. This post turned out to be quite chaotic, but I am just beat....

My job

2009-07-30T14:43:00.002+02:00

I wanted to tell you all something about my new job...the one I started last Monday. Today is my first day of during training and boy am I glad. I have a lot to learn, and a lot of info coming my way, so my brain is glad it is getting some rest today. After i finish my four week training I will be a first line callcenter agent with the UWV. I take incoming calls from people looking for jobs, registering as jobseeking or from people who want to apply for welfare/benefits or have questions about these. My main job will be putting through calls to the right person, I will only be allowed to answer really simple questions. We work with a "knowledge system", so when the client asks something I put in a keyword and the answer pops on my screen. It will either tell me to connect to a certain person or office branch or tell me the answer straight up. So far we have listened to may conversations and were not allowed to do anything for ourselves. Net week we will get communications training and we will be trained in the use of the data system. After this we may do some things for ourselves. We either talk to the client or handle data, and eventually we will be able to do both at the same time. I really like it, and my supervisor seems to think I am doing great as well.

Pics

2009-07-16T08:31:00.003+02:00

I wanted to share some of my craft projects with you, now that the camera is working properly again. The first one is a painting I made a couple of days ago. It is my first non Intuitive painting and I am actually quite pleased with it. This is the Mother Earth doll I made from a pattern. I am happy it's done, and proud because I had to work on a sowing machine, which I have never done before. I enjoy my crafts, because it gets me connected to my inner self. To me it is like a form of meditation and it really helps me relax.

Job

2009-07-12T19:26:00.004+02:00

I found a job!!!! That's very good news to us since we won't have to worry about paying this bill or that bill! I will be taking incoming calls for a semi government organisation that deals with employment issues and welfare.I will start a one month training on July 27th and afterwards I will start my new job. Thank the Goddess I am getting paid during training as well, lol. I will be working 28 to 32 hours a week, depending on how busy it is. That is just about perfect for me since it will leave me time to relax and write and enjoy my other hobbies. The other good news is I have finished a major crafts project I was working on. I will get you guys a pic as soon as the camera has some batteries again.

Fail

2009-06-19T12:35:00.002+02:00

Yesterday i received a letter from de Slegte, saying I was not going to be invited for a job interview...major dissapointment since I would have loved working with books. Apparently it isn't to be. After this dissapointment I remembered I took a callcenter test with a job agency some weeks ago and never heard back. It appears I did really well for a person without any experience in a callcenter..so a job might not be too far away. I have an interview at the agency on monday.I hope they will have a job for me soon, we really need the money. We had great plans to go to an international garden and nursery show in the neighbourhood tomorrow. We both enjoy gardening and finding special plants is fun as well. I looked up some info on the event and the entrance fee is 12 euros per person. We figured that's too steep, we'd rather buy some plants to actually enjoy in our garden with that money. Luckily we still have Litha to look forward to..we'll be enjoying the sabbat with friends in Leiden.So I wish all of you a happy Litha as well and hope you enjoy your weekends

Update

2009-06-06T07:21:00.000+02:00

Grandpa is home from hospital, and is able to do small things in the garden again. He is doing so much better and is very glad to be home. So am I, since it takes some of the pressure off, and I am able to relax now. D. has been on a trip to Sweden with his judo club. They went to a tournament and clinic in Lund near Malmo. He enjoyed it but came home beat ( duh, they took a bunch of teenage kids, lol). We are thinking about returning to Scandinavia for a holiday somewhere in the future. At the moment D. is in Groningen where he and some other students from Leiden participated in a team judo event for students. They did really well last time, sadly they came 7th ( of 8) this time. The good news is the overall level was much higher this year.He injured himself, and bruised his shoulder, so I'll be extra nice to him when he comes home today. Well, I have to be off to do some writing now....

Life can be a witch....

2009-05-20T07:17:00.003+02:00

Life can be so unfair...some of the best people seem to get ill or don't feel good in their own skins..Unfair, it makes me wanna stomp my foot!!! A friend of mine has been having problems at work, he's totally stressed out and his boss isn't really cooperative, to say the least..I wish him all the best and will keep him in my thoughts since that is pretty much all I can do. Grandpa is still in hospital, but feeling a lot better and he might even be coming home this weekend. On the positive side, I am feeling quite good despite still not having a job. I am very much in touch with my homely side and take pride in keeping the household running. I also enjoy my craftwork and my knitting.....I sound like a regular soccer mom....the only thing missing is a kid or two, lol. Actually, I wouldn't mind that at all..for some reason I keep seeing myself as a mom lately.Who knows what kind of web the Goddess weaves. Amid all the bustle of daily life it can be hard to keep up with the spiritual part of your life. Yes, the Goddess is always with me but sometimes it would be nice if I could actually spend some quality time with her...Yesterday I received a wonderful surprise from Megan Welti. She not only mailed me a Danu print for our art swap, but she also included an art card of the Goddess Nut, something she felt drawn to do.. I absolutely love it and came close to tears when I saw it.This is what she wrote about Nut: Nut is the Egyptian creator goddess. Every night she swallows the sun and gives birth to it at Dawn. She is the mother of Isis and Osiris, as well as many other gods and goddesses in the Egyptian pantheon. She is part of the Spiral Dance Collection which portrays the goddesses as a mix of human features and expressions of energy, which flow out from their hands and feet as spirals but can also be expressed through other elements associated with them. She is faceless so that each individual can imagine the features that they need to see in order to have a personal connection with her. I do not know a lot about the Egyptian pantheon, but I will do some research and let you know what I find.

Update

2009-05-14T08:21:00.002+02:00

My grandfather is feeling a lot better now..He can even get up out of bed for short periods, and he is getting talkative again. He is still scared, but not as much, since he is able to comprehend what is happening better now. He has to stay in the hospital at least untill next tuesday to finish the antibiotics. Further treatment depends on how he is doing then

Grandfather

2009-05-11T09:08:00.003+02:00

Hi everyone I probably won't be around a lot for a while, since my granddad is in hospital with a severe pneumonia. He is on oxygen and some heavyduty antibiotics at the moment...and probably has to stay for about a week

Catching up

2009-05-09T06:04:00.005+02:00

Wow, it seems like a long time since I have written a proper blog..I just seem so busy, and I don't really have anything noteworthy to tell. I finished my craft projects, but if you have been reading this blog for a while you will know I alwys dive right back in. I was knitting a comfort shawl for my friend T, and I have finished that. She loved it and actually wore it during most of our Beltane celebrations. Now I am knitting one for myself, in a dark and fluffy blue.At first I had a struggle with the yarn, since it is so thin and fluffy, but now I have the pattern established I am good to go. I also finished the felt project I was working on, and I think she turned out fine. See for yourself...I made her from a pattern by Atelier Inspiree to which I made a few changes. Her hair should have been in a tighter bun and she should be wearing crown. I did not like that, a spring queen should not look like a granny, lol. At the moment, I am getting into felting. Since last Thursday it would have been my mom's birthday ( she would have turned 50), Danny and I decided to do something fun, and felting was something we have wanted to do for a while now. I actually made something useful...a wonderful hat. I am certainly going to do some feltwork again. I am also working on another project, a summermandala, made to a pattern from Atelier Lindelicht. Though this one, but really enjoyable. I'll post pics as soon as it is done. Last week we had a holiday. On the 30th of April here in Holland we celebrate Queensday. It's a celebration of the Queen's birtday, but to make it complicated it is not her actual birthday, we just kept the date after the last queen, Juliana abdicated. On this day the queen usually visits a town, which draws a huge crowd of onlookers. Generally it is a very relaxed affair, but that might change next year. This year someone decided to drive his car through the crowds and try to attack the royal family......A horrific event, which killed 7 innocent people and the perpetrator..The country was in shock, maybe still is.. The video is quite shocking...so don't watch around the little peeps..To make things clear, the royal family is in the bus, there is some Dutch commentary from a live tv broadcast that was taking place at the time. The perp died as well, so we will never really know why he did it, but I think we can safely say he was not in his right mind at the time. So that's all for now..I hope you had an enjoyable Beltane and will have a good weekend. This Sunday I will be going for a walk in the forest, at 't Solse Gat, a place to be considered very powerful and spiritual. I will report on that....

Danu

2009-05-08T19:20:00.004+02:00

I found this great painting of Danu today while browsing the web, it is done by Jan Hess and I absolutely love it. Other good news. I am in a art swap. A member of the Dancing Goddess Dolls Ning named Megan Welti has offered to swap me one of her Danu prints for some of my work. I really love the picture!!Go check out her shop on Etsy, it is called EarthStarStudios

Unfair

2009-05-05T15:28:00.003+02:00

Yesterday, one of my very best friends had some horrible news...she is very ill indeed. We already knew she had a benign brain tumor, inoperable due to its place...and hard to do anything else about it. Recently she started feeling worse, and had her blood checked out...het condition is very bad. Radiation is not an option because it might damage her brain, so she is back on meds that left her unable to function the first time around. They cause her to pass out, faint, be unable to speak...And if that were not bad enough, she will have to take them for years while doctors look for an alternative. She will hurt while on meds or die.. It breaks my heart to see her suffer, she can be so full of life, so vibrant. Her flame is dimming, I wonder how long she can hold on...I hope her spark will brighten when she visits Avalon, because she needs it so much. It is so unfair, she doesn't deserve this suffering.... I wish her all the strenght she needs and will do anything to help, but like her, I am afaid it might not be enough

Wordle.net

2009-04-23T13:40:00.006+02:00

A friend of mine tipped me about this website, wordle.net. The idea is you enter some text and the site allows you to play around with it so you can change the look. This is my first result. I know the pic is small, you can find the fullsized one here, I hope you like it and will enjoy playing around with Wordle.net as well

Busy

2009-04-17T10:52:00.002+02:00

A person can be quite busy without having a job, lol...that's what happened here last week. I am currently working on several craft projects and am trying to run a household as well. I am making a little poppet from wool and felt, she is a bit more complicated than I am used to doing...I am also knitting a shawl for T. which is coming along nicely, but overflowing the needles, so I need to buy some new ones, and as a side project I am sewing a purple fleece elephant. Pics will follow when they are finished. The cat is ill as well...he has an infected anal gland. Yes, that is as gross as it sounds....lol. He is on antibiotics and can't go outside for a while...That's all for now, I am back to my craftwork.

Good Friday

2009-04-10T20:42:00.002+02:00

Probably not a title you are expecting on a pagan blog......but I had to write this piece. I was writing some things down while wathching the news and this appeared on my paper. While I was enjoying the very good weather and the Beltane feeling in the air outside, people were suffering. I know people suffer on this planet every day, but something in this report struck me. It was about the feast of Easter and its celebration in the earthquake disaster area in Italy. I heard people talking about their faith helping, saw some impressive priests trying their very best to console and help people.... It was the first time I really SAW those images..they really hit home. The dark face of the Goddess was peeping out, reminding me that nothing and nobody can be forever, and that it has to be that way to maintain a balance....But the destruction I saw was devastating, people have lost loved ones, homes and historic buildings have collapsed. I know it is the way of the world, the Goddess creates and she destroys, but that does not make times like these any easier for those people. They will have to live in emergency shelters for years to come.....it isn't easy to see these things and not be able to do anything significant. Today the pope granted dispensation and a large funeral mass was said for those who died...over 200 coffins gathered together. White children's coffins stacked on those of their father or mother.....heartwrenching...The images were extra ordinary..people who truly seem to be consoled by their faith, sharing their grief...Those images really touched me. I do not share their faith, but I feel for them and I wish them all the best en strength for the difficult times to come..and when I next happen to be near a catholic church I will light a candle and say a prayer for them.

Monday mutterings

2009-04-06T19:06:00.002+02:00

I had a wonderful day today.....I did some homework on a spiritual correspondence course I am taking. I was lucky enough to be able to sit in the garden while doing it. I enjoyed having my garden altar close ( see pic above). I also did some chores in house, like the dishes and some laundry, both are things that have to be done but I really do not like doing it....like most people I guess. I also took some time to work on my crafts. I finally put together a knitted toy that I want to give to a friend. I think she will really enjoy it. The girl next door really liked it, so now I am knitting a similar one for her as well.I also finished two bunnies for my mother in law, one made from woolfelt and a knitted one.I am also going to make a knitted one for my sister in law, because she has been ill ( she had an operation on her vocal cords, and she is a teacher and singer...) en she has taken up knitting as well. For the last bit of good news, I won some books!!! I participated in a giveaway on one of my favorite blogs about fantasy books, . He had a give away with the Brian Ruckley books Winterbirth and Bloodheir, and I actually won. That was a very good surprise, and I am looking forward to reading those books. So because I want to pass on the joy of receiving fun packages in the mail I am doing a give away as well. You can get a knitted toy in bear or bunny shape, any colour you like, if you reply to this post with an explanation of why you would like one, plus the colours you would like it in.In a weeks time I will pick te person with the best reasoning as a winner. Please leave your mail adress so I can cntact you.

Weekend

2009-04-05T07:14:00.004+02:00

Blowing bubbles in the garden, this is the girl from next door. This is a felt projest I completed last Friday. It is a felt spring mandala that I made from a kit ( copyright Atelier Lindelicht). I enjoy working with woolfelt, it is easy, doesn't have to be seamed...it gives me a sense of acomplishment when I finish a project. Woohoot, it is the first weekend in a while we get to stay home. I love our friends and family, but sometimes it is nice just to stay home together and veg out.The weather isn't as good as it was last week, the sunshine has dissapeared behind lots of clouds....Too bad, but we'll still enjoy ourselves and have fun inside. Yesterday we did some useful stuff around the house, I tidied the hobby room, ran a load of laundry and D. and me cleaned the aquarium ( I hate algae..). In the afternoon my dad in law and his grilfriend visited and I got creative with the girl next door. She is almost 7 years old and we did a great painting together for her birthday on some left over wallpaper. She enjoys spending time with us because she doesn't have to share our attention with her two smaller brothers ( who are 2 and 1).After the painting we had a snack and had a great time blowing bubbles outside. We laughed a lot. After a short session of playing doctor with my stuffed animals she had to go home and we went to do our shopping for the weekend. After dinner we watched some tv, then visited with a friend. He returned from a long holiday on Curacao ( do you spell it like that?) and wanted to give us a small gift for watching the cats for him. We talked a lot and got home around eleven pm, so it was straight to bed for us. Today I am up early, we are going to watch the F1 GP of Malaysia later on, enjoy the Tour of Flanders cycling on tv, read a book and maybe do some craftwork ( I promised my mom in law I would make her a felt bunny for Easter). So it is just another weekend of relaxing for us...nothing special but we will enjoy it. Almost forgot the most important news! I already lost about 5 kilos on my diet! Yay me, yay me..I am really happy with it, but still have 15 more to go.

Blog prompt

2009-03-31T16:49:00.003+02:00

My friend Mrs B. over at Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom has a wonderfull feature on her blog, pagan journal prompts.I especially liked the prompt for today: March 31 * Have you started a garden? How do you incorporate magic into it? Do you have a favorite gardening/seed planting/harvesting chant or prayer? Do you have a gardening deity? Lately we have been really busy wirking in our garden, cleaning up garbage left behind by the last people who rented it and weeding.Plus we planted a tree to get some height in the garden.I really love gardening, and these last few days the weather has been wonderfull. It wil keep being good at least till the start of next week. As for incorporating magic in my gardening work, I don't really do that...I don't have a special gardening deity. I tend to plant things with intent..Talking to the plants, encouraging them to grow and prosper in their new home. When we planted the new tree ( it is a prunus mume beni shidon, an ornamental apricot) we did a short ritual, blessing it and tying ribbons to the branches. I think it will turn out to be a very special tree... After that we did some drumming in the garden, me on the djembe and D. on the bodhran, to wake the earth ( and the neighbours, lol....I can't seem to keep a rythm, lol).So looking back to what I have written, yes I do use magic in my gardening, although silently and without much extras.I wanted to share some pics of my garden as well....it is still a work in progress because we only started it when we moved here. There was nothing there when we came to live here, just tiles and concrete. We have planted lavender which we already had and some new things. I hope you enjoy the pics.

Knitting and felt work

2009-03-25T19:49:00.004+01:00

I promised to show some pics of my knitting and of the little dollies I make from felt, so here you are.... I knitted the wool bearthingie from a very simple pattern in a hildren's craft book, but I am starting to get better. Now I am thinking about knitting myself and D. some nice and warm shawls for the next winter ( an't start early enough, lol). I have also knitted another woolreature for the girl who lives next door. She will be 9 in two weeks, and I knitted a mouse for my mom in law. I still have to put them together, so I an't show you any pictures yet. My next projet is a dahshund.. The felt puppet is from a pattern I bought. It wasn't all that easy but I really enjoyed it. At the monment I am working on a hain of violets. It's tiny, and painstaking. I can only do one at a time before I get to shaky and nervous. Two down, ten to go, lol

Choices

2009-03-23T21:57:00.003+01:00

In this time of air, drifting with the clouds and flying with the birds I have had to make a hard choice....My students financing plan stopped and I had to think hard about finishing university or not. I don't have a lot left to do, but these last couple of years I have not made any progress due to my circumstances ( my mom died and I suffer from repeating depressions). It would cost me a lot, financially and emotionally to finish it, and I finally decided it wasn't ment to be.So, I am looking for a job now, and decided to pursue happiness in life instead of a carreer like I always planned. When I started university carreer and succes were very important to me. During my time in Leiden I learned a lot about the value of friendship and the joys of life.I met all my friends in Leiden, and I found the Goddess there. I met Evelien as a fellow student and we got to be real close. She has supported me, helped me and loved me despite all my quirks and issues. I met my partner D., and he has been the love of my life, the most stable factor in my madness. Without him i would not be here anymore. Thessa showed me the path to the Goddess, and I met people through her who are very important to me.... So I have learned a lot, the value of friendship and happiness in life, changed a lot during all those years I spent in Leiden. But now it was time to make this hard choice. It is time to go on with my life and to see wat this new path brings me. I am currently looking for a ( full time) job, and am curious to see how my and our life will turn out. I know I am surrounded by friends who will support me, no matter what I do. I don't know how my family will react, but I know it is the right choice to make. It is time to move on so I can grow

Thoughts on tuesday

2009-03-10T17:30:00.002+01:00

Tuesday again...time just seems to be flying by. The weather here is depressing, it has been raining all day and the sky remains grey. Last weekend it was much better, we had some sunshine. We could actually do some work in the garden, it needed weeding again. Plus we are planning to plant a tree...as soon as the weather gets better. I am thinking about getting either an apple or a cherry tree. Maybe an elder, as home to the fey folk. I am taking my grandfather along when we go buy it, he is really good at gardening. He is 84 and still grows a lot of vegetables in his own bayckyard, even potatoes. It is getting harder on him though, but he loves it. Now we live closer I can go help him out in the garden when he needs it. He likes that I like to garden..my little sister doesn't like it as much. On the diet front things are going good. I have kept to my diet and I have been exercising every day. I will weigh myself once a week to see what I've lost. My starting weight was 98.6 kilos ( shock!!!!) and I think I lost some weight. I will know for sure on thursday. Today I have started going to a yoga class. I'm kinda shy, so it wasn't easy, but I really liked it. The teacher is very nice and I am already looking forward to the class next week. I am also thinking about taking up another sport, something a bit more streneous so I will lose the weight faster. I am also very creative lately. I have been making some felt puppets, small ones. We call them antropsophic dollies. When one is finished I will post a pic. I might not be very good at it but I am certainly enjoying it!I am teaching myself to knit as well. My sister in law started knitting during our Texel holiday and it looked neat, so I figured I would give it a try as well. I will keep you posted on my progress!

Dolphins

2009-03-03T02:05:00.003+01:00

Last Sunday I have done something exceptional. Together with T. I participated in a program called " Closer to dolphins" in the dolphinarium at Harderwijk. For some reason dolphins have started to mean a lot to me, and this was the ultimate way to get closer to them and experience their energy in real life. We had to get up early, because we had to register at the reception of the Dolphinarium at 9 am. Here we met the other two people who would join us that day. Both T. and I tok our partners so they could film and take pictures. We were picked up by one of the dolphin trainers, a lady named Bianca. She gave us a short explanation of the day, told us it wasn't sure what we were going to do yet since that depended on the dolphins. Every one of these programs is different to keep it interesting for the dolphins. After this short explanation the participants had some tea, and told a bit about themselves and why they were there. The other two people seemed really nice, and we shared something about our beliefs and totem animals. After this we had to change into wetsuits. Let me tell you, it isn't easy. For me it was a great motivator to start my diet properly, lol. After we all changed and rinced, we started out by meeting the other trainer Paul. We also made our first contact with a dolphin. For the fotoshoot moment we could shake flippers with Prince.I can't really explain what a dolphin feels like, slippery and firm at the same time. After this it was time to split up into two groups. T. and I remained with Bianca so we could go into the water and meet one of the dolphins in its own territory. Bianca explained what we should do, and Maaike the dolphin came up really close. We could pet and tickle her. You could tell she really enjoyed it, her noises were so enthousiastic....great clicks and squeals. She did some tricks and was rewarded with handclapping, fish and toys. We learned a lot about dolphins and I really connected with Maaike. It was like she looked straight into my soul.I can't wait to see the pics and the film. After this we joined up with the others to meet some more dolphins. All of us were allowed to give them some orders by handsignal. T. made them roll over onto their backs and display their tummy. I made them stick their tails out of the water.It was great fun. When we were done with this we had to go change and shower. When we were all dressed again we had some tea and a muffin while talking about things. We all really enjoyed it, it was a lot to take in. We were also handed the pics of our fotoshoot with Prince. It was great to be able to take something home straight away. T. and her husband had to go home soon after, but D. and I stayed to watch the dolphins some more. I sat and enjoyed their underwater acrobatics, and we watched a feeding and a short show. I was watching Maaike, and she was one happy dolphin! The dolphin energy was really amazing. I am still feeling connected, whole and very energetic. They really belong with me, I have found my totem animal. I can still feel their presence in my belly and in my soul. T.also really enjoyed it, she did not think about her illness for a moment!!! To me, it is still very hard to explain and express what I feel and what I experienced. It was a feeling of connectedness, acceptance, maybe even homecoming. I know I am connected to dolphins in a deep way, and they will be with me forever. Especially Maaike....

Nehalennia

2009-02-27T06:08:00.002+01:00

Lately I have been attracted to this mysterious goddess. Not a lot is known about her with any surety.We know she was venerated at the mouth of the Scheldt river, because about 160 votive altars were discovered in the Dutch province of Zeeland. Two were actually discovered in Cologne, Germany. These votive altars were mainly erected by sea traders who survived a severe storm. She is mainly depicted with a basket of apples and a hound on these votive altars. Occasionally the apples are replaced with loaves of bread, and she might have her foot on the prow of a ship. The apples suggest a connection with the otherworld, like Avalon. The otherworld is often connected with apples. The hound suggests a connection with some kind of underworld, like the dogs of Hades. The votive altars suggests she was a protectress of travellers. I guess she may have had more functions, like many goddesses in different pantheons. It isn't quite clear from which pantheon she came. Linguistics have not offered a final solution to the problem. What is clear is that she was worshipped in Roman times, but since she defenitely does not belong to the classic Roman pantheon and was not worshipped elsewhere she probably was a local goddess. To me, she is the goddess of land and water, the very image of the Netherlands, because of the fight this country had with the sea. To me she protects on travels, in real life and in the maickal world. Her animals, the dolphin, the hound and the raven guard me wether I travel in real life by water or land, and in the otherworld.I have made a special connection with this goddess. In Zeeland, a reconstruction was built of one of her temples. I am looking forward to visiting it with my friend T. She was supposed to go last Sunday, but decided not to because of the weather. She also said she wanted to share the experience with me. How nice is thst?

Wednesday thoughts

2009-02-25T18:15:00.003+01:00

I just came home from a nice day of bookshopping in Amsterdam, had a cup of tea and watched the news. Wow....a plain crash near the main airport Schiphol....A Turkish airplane crashed in a field near the airport, parralel to a freeway...it is almost a miracle it did not hit anything because that bit of the country is very busy. Nine people died, among them the two pilots. Several people are still in critical condition. The images are horrendous....They remind me of the other plain crash we had in the Netherlands, the Bijlmer disaster, which was even worse...It makes me angry and afraid because these accidents seem so random, people get hurt and die for seemingly no reason at all.It also makes me afraid of flying...because those images are so awful. Rationally, I know it is a very safe way of transport, but emotionally it is different. I can't imagine living near the airport and seeing this happen..there is a farm just 500 meters from the crash site.... So far the major news from the Netherlands. I had a wonderfull day shopping for books in Amsterdam. I bought the new books by Patricia Briggs, Kelley Armmstrong and Jules watson. I also picked up a book by Graham Hancock on the Arc of the Covenant named The Sign and the Seal. Lately I have been fascinated by the Knights Templar and they are a major feature in this book. I also bought a book with tales from Dutch history, mainly because it had a tale about Nehalennia in it. Nehalennia is a goddess who was revered in het coastal areas of the Netherlands that are close to Belgium. She protected travelers on the sea. Mostly she is depicted with a dog and a basket of apples, which to me also signify a connection to the otherworld or the underworld. Lately I have found she has three companion animals, the dog and the raven guard those who travel over land and the dolphin guards travelers on the sea. That last part really struck me since I have found that the dolphin is my totem animal. I am building a relationship with this goddess and her animals. Next Sunday I am going on a one of a kind dolphin experience in the dolphinarium. I am not actually going to swim with dolphins, but I do get to get very close to them, actually pet them and stuff. The only thing I am not looking forward to is wearing a wetsuit, lol. So you can expect a long post from me on Monday about the dolphins, with pics and all.On Friday I will go and attend a womens circle, where we can talk about stuff like selfconfidence and losing weight. I am also working on that part..A while ago I saw a pic of myself and realized I wanted to lose some kilos, all in all maybe 10 or 15..Starting tomorrow I will start a diet that has been very popular in Holland lately, namely the Sonja Bakker diet. It is not very severe, but it seems to work for many people, so I will give it a shot as well. On Friday we, that's me and D. will take T.'s older children to the museum of Ancient History to watch some mummies and stuff. I hope they like it.I know I enjoyed that museum...Just realized it has some ancient Nehalennia shrines, lol. Guess the Goddess is pulling at me.

Chartres

2009-02-20T09:18:00.003+01:00

I know I haven't been around in a while. Nohing bad happened, it is just that a lot happened last weekend and I am still tryong to work it out for myself and with my friends. Last saturday I travelled to Chartres cathedral with a group of close friends. All in all we had a lovely day. I spent some time on the centre of the labyrinth that is inlayed in the cathedral floor with Thess, and I felt an amazing bond, a connctedness, a sisterhood. I just know her so wel, even though I haven't known her for long. I walked around the cathedral wih her husband E. and their son while she was climbing the tower, and it all felt so familier. I just had to close my eyes and I was home...medieval times..I could hear the monks singing in Mass. It was an incredible feeling. Things got very emotional when we got home in Leiden. Both I and another friend, B. started crying and just could not stop. I felt horrible, we talked a lot. The energy and the sense of connectedness were amazing. I can't properly explain what happened that night. I can only describe it like coming ome and seeing my family after a long time, it is a sense of belonging, a sense of place...I know we knew each other before this life. The only thing I can say if somebody asks me if I believe in reincarnation is : " I don't believe in reincarnation, I know it is like that" It is really hard to explain, but those who know me will know how I feel. I finally have a place where I can be me, where I belong.

Pics of my pottery

2009-02-10T18:29:00.002+01:00

The bottom pic is the pottery shell I bought last weekend on Texel, the top one is the bowl I bought in Glastonbury last year. I like that they have a similar ocean theme,and the same colours, even though I bought them in different places and they were made by different artists.

Busy weekend

2009-02-10T17:50:00.002+01:00

This past weekend we went on a short holiday to the island of Texel with D.'s mom, aunt, brother and sister in law. We always spend the first or second weekend of february together like that to celebrate my mom in law's birthday. We had a lot of fun this time, despte my shortlived run in with my sister in law, M. Our personalities are vastly different and sometimes we clash. I am glad we made up though, because I do not like leaving things like that to fester. When we arrived on friday we went to the beach. Sonce I was wearing my good shoes I took them of. I have to say, the beach in early february is cold....D. and I went so far as to walk into the sea.BRRRR!! People must have thought we were quite mad. Afterwards our feet warmed up quite well, thankfully. To celebrate my mon in laws birthday we went to the beach at midnight on saturday to have sone champagne. It was a magical moment, the moon was almost full, the stars were out and I could hear the sea. I could not resist. D. and I walked to the sea, where I called on Danu, standing in the westerly waters. I felt so connected at that moment. I could feel the sea pulling at me, whispering to me. It was truly magnificent and magickal. On sunday we visited a seal rescue center called Ecomare. They rescue seals that are washed up, heal them and feed them untill they are ready o go back to the wild. It was great fun seeing those funny creatures up close. In the shop I found a nice peace of pottery, it is a pottery shell with a blue green glaze. It's almost made to be a match to the bowl I bought in Glastonbury last year. Naturally, I could not resist it, and even now it is on my altar. All in all I had a wondefull if busy weekend, and lots to look forward to as well. Next saturday I will be going to Chartres cathedral with a group of friends. And on the first of March I will be getting up close and personal with dolphins. I wanted to get in touch with these wonderfull animals, since they have won a place in my heart. Thankfully the aquarium in Harderwijk offers the oppurtunity to get to know these wonderful creatures better. I am really looking forward to it...I think I will get very emotional, since dolphins touch the core of my soul, all my pain and sorrow. Another think I have to look forward to is getting tattooed. T. has made such a wonderfull design, which incorporates all the elements of Danu in a sinle, abstract design.

Dolphins

2009-02-04T14:43:00.003+01:00

The dolphin swam into my life a couple of weeks ago, and has captured a place in my heart. As a totem animal it has a very special meaning to me personally. Dolphins seem to live in joyful harmony with each other and the world, and have learned the lesson that love is the most important thing. The dolphin can teach me to love myself more, wich is a very important thing to me. My self-esteem has always been very low. I love their kind energy, their elegance and playfullness. On a website about totem animals I read the following things: " Those with this totem would benefit from some work or activity that uses the voice as a healing tool" I have read that elsewhere as well, but I am not quite sure how to apply this in my own life, apart from maybe going into counceling again so I can talk about some issues. For now I think that's a good idea, and I am listening to a cd with dolphin sounds as well.I also read this on the same site: " Dolphins have a purity of being which touches our inner nature. If Dolphin swims into your life follow its lead and open yourself to the energy of love, harmony and balance. Express your inner truth and follow your inner joy. olphin asks you to return to the depths of your being and rediscover the love that you truly are." I think this is phrased beautifully, and it is how I feel about the dolphin. When I was young I was never really that fond of them..But to me, they are very special now. I will cherish its message and its love in my heart. Dolphin will always be with me.

My Imbolc weekend

2009-02-02T14:23:00.004+01:00

In the past weekend we were really busy doing fun stuff. Both D. and I travelled to Leiden to celebrate Imbolc. We had an evening gathering outside, in the cold, but Iit wa sreally good fun. We had a healing circle, in which everybody told what he or she would like to be healed in themselves or somebody else. It was really touching and special. We poured some milk as an offering and to warm up we had a short drum ritual to awaken the world. After the ritual we sat and talked ( inside) for quite some time. We spent the night at our friends house, so the next morning I was awakend with a doggie kiss and demands from her two year old to read Dora the Explorer ( aargh, not good things when just waking up) We had a wonderful sunday in the Amersfoort zoo, despite the cold. We saw some wonderful animals, bears and white tigers.I fell in love with the white tigers, they have an otherworldly quality. It is almost like stepping into faery when you look into those eyes.We pampered our inner child with hot chocolate, and a ride in the electric train...( yep, 5 grown ups and one kid...)We laughed a lot. When we got home on sunday evening I was beat, but I had so much fun!!

Tattoo plans

2009-01-28T07:00:00.003+01:00

I have had plans to get a tattoo for about 6 months now, and these last few days they have become more real. The moment of actually getting it is coming closer ( did I mention I am afraid of needles and am a big wuss? lol). A close friend, T., has been working on redrwawing my idea. The basic idea is shown in the picture above, but has been changed some. Her boobs have been moved to a more normal position, and the spiral on her tummy is changing as well. It will be a symbol my friend found and reminds us both f my patron goddess Danu.Plus, it will be moved a bit lower, so it centers the body better. I am also getting it done in another colour because the black is to harsh. I am trying to choose between liliac with a darker outline or sea green/blue with the same...I like lilac and purple, but I also like the other idea since to me, those are Danu's colours. Plus they would look better with the symbol we are planning on. On the one hand I am really looking forward to getting it since it is a symbol of my connection with the goddess, she is always with me. On the other hand I am scared, not so much of what people will think of me, but of the tattooing itself, since I am kind of a wuss...I will just bring D. for moral support, and T. is coming along as well.

Fun weekend

2009-01-26T17:21:00.002+01:00

I had a fun weekend these past few days. We went grocery shopping on saturday, and visited my grandparents to pick up some home grown vegetables ( cale, cabbage, brussel sprouts, carrots and the like). At home we baked two pies to help out a friend whose birthday we would go to the next day. On sunday we hopped in the car early to drive to Leiden, which took us about an hour and a half. When we arrived at our friend T.'s house, we unpacked all the stuff from the car, and had some tea. And of course we gave her some presents, I think she really liked them. During the day we had a lot of fun talking, and we helped out doing the dishes. I had a busy but wonderful day with friends. While we were in Leiden we bought a djembe, an african drum. It makes a wonderfull earthy, deep and rich sound. We'll have to practice a lot, to make it sound like anything but noise, nut I think we will enjoy that. D. has already looked up some lessons on the internet.I should practice playing the bodhran more often as well.

lolcats

2009-01-20T10:06:00.002+01:00

Found this site online, it has hilarious pics on it, especially the comments

This can't be comfortable

2009-01-20T06:27:00.002+01:00

Lady of Avalon

2009-01-20T05:16:00.000+01:00

I have been working on this poem, these past days. Lady of Avalon, part the mists so we may meet Teach me Let me learn at your knee of the lessons life has to offer me Let me learn by your breath the lessons I can learn from death Grant me this so I may be remade Reborn, ready to live my fate

Thoughts on tuesday

2009-01-20T04:28:00.001+01:00

So, it is half past four in the morning here, the world is quiet. I don't even hear cars going by in the city. I could'nt sleep, so I figured I would go and write for a bit. I want to share my thoughts on quite a few things this morning, namely some books I have been reading, family, and the main news of the day worldwide, the inauguration of the 44th president of the United States, Barack Obama. I think I will start with that last bit. Here in the Netherlands there has been a lot of media attention for this event. So much so, you would almost think it is about our own government. Of course, American policy will have an impact here, but it might all be too much. Since I could not sleep I was listening to a talk radio show and the question they asked was " What do you think it is that makes Obama so special ?" So I have been thinking about that for half an hour..and here is what I figure. The man is a natural and gifted apeaker. He delivers his speeches extremely well. His message is one of hope and change, which is what many Americans are looking for, after 8 years of Bush. Here in Europe that hope is the same, I personally have never been a fan of Bush, and these last few years this has become main stream, here and in America. I recognize that the inauguration of the first black president is a historic moment, and I probably will be watching on tv. But I am also a bit cynical about all of it. Of course Obama is going to look and sound good after 8 years of George W....it can't get much worse. And promises are easy. I will be looking for change in times to come. For now, I will hope, and I hope Obama will live up to the dreams of the world. So, enough of politics for now. I have been doing some reading as well. I have just finished Hammer of God by Karen Miller ( not being able to sleep means extra time to read, lol).It forms a trilogy with Empress of Mijak and Riven kingdom. As I wrote previously, I did not much like the first book since the main character was so unlikeable. I started reading book two, and thankfully that all changed. I feel book two is much better, and the main character, Rhian, is a character I can relate to more. So all in all the series was a sattisfying read. I am a big fan of metaphysical fiction ( werewolves, vampires and the like) and have been reading it a lot in the last year or so. My favorite authors are Charlaine Harris,Jim Butcher, Kelley Armstrong, Kim Harrison, Patricia Briggs and Laurell K. Hamilton. With this last author I have been having some issues, since her Anita Blake series seemed increasingly concerned with sex. Thankfully she has toned it down somewhat in her latest book Blood Noir. Some time ago I read an excerpt of the book Once bitten, twice shy by Jennifer Rardin, and I was sold. I ordered the book and read it really fast. I have found a new series to read, because I loved it. The main character is a top CIA agent named Jaz, who works with a vampire. She, Jaz, is a kick ass girl who has been through a lot, but still has a wicked sense of humor. I really liked the interplay between her and her vampire boss Vayl. I orderd the second book in the series and I am already looking forward to reading it. So, on the topic of family. I had a call from my younger, and only sister S.We had a nice chat about respective pets and things we were doing. She knows I am not well, and we talked about that as well. I liked it, she is really looking out for me. Might be weird, but it is nice to have a sister who does that. Since our mom died we have been getting closer, I feel. I like it, and sis, if you read this: I promise I will try and call more often. I have also made a wonderfull new friend, J. We met at a mutual friend's house,and it really clicked. We are into the same books,and he's into boardgames as well. We have had a good conversation by way of a webmessenger ( he lives on the opposite side of the country). So I hope we will be having some more of those conversations, and we are already making pland for him to come over to talk and play some games. So, I think I have bothered you people with my insomnia for long enough now. I will go and drink some tea, and, you guessed it, read a book, lol.

funny

2009-01-19T16:11:00.000+01:00

Doubt

2009-01-17T13:55:00.000+01:00

Doubt has wiggled its nasty way back into my mind...I am starting to doubt just about everything in my life. Do people like me the way I am, am I good enough, do I even deserve to be happy? Logically, yes, I know the answers to these questions..but with the doubt in me, my heart does not.It is hard living with doubt about yourself, it knocks the secure base out from under your feet, everything seems insecure and in flux. I know I am starting to distance myself from things, trying to lock myself up, to stay inside where people can't be nasty and mean to me. Home, inside is secure and safe. It's a place where I can be me, I do not have to try so hard there. Izzy and D. do like me for myself ( although in my bleakest moments I doubt even that). Tomorrow I need to go out, it would be good for me. Maybe I could go shopping, raid some bookstores. That always makes me feel good. And I will get some fresh air that way.For now, I am home alone, just me and Izzy, watching speed skating on tv.

Danu

2009-01-14T10:35:00.000+01:00

Lately, I have found a very deep connestion to the divine and the magical. I feel sure I am a part of the world, and feel connected to everything and everybody. It is a beautiful feeling.Yesterday I found a lovely poem online and I really connected to it. I could have written it,it is exactly how I feel about Danu.So, loads of credit to the writer, Katrin Auch Danu, mother, queen, life giver your sweetness is the salt kiss where ocean meets land You are the wellspring of fertility Queen of all Sidhe Shining jewel of Ireland I am enveloped in your mist Your loving embrace A child come happily home

Lenore

2009-01-13T13:22:00.000+01:00

This is one of my favorite comics ever, and I really like these films as well. The voice is so cool. I hope you like these as well.

Yule present

2009-01-13T12:54:00.001+01:00

Today I received a belated Yule present from D. It is the nice and elaborate spiral wallsconce you can see in the pic. It hangs above my altar, and I am really happy with it. I changed around my altar as well. In fact, my altar really is two, and what you are seeing is the main part. It is dedicated to Danu, and stays more or less the same. Next to it is my seosonal altar, which I do change.

Winter

2009-01-11T10:52:00.001+01:00

These last few days it has been like living in a fairy land. My surroundings were covered by snow and it was cold. The world was so pretty, that I just had to share it with you.The picture above shows the tree that is in front of our house. Yesterday we went to our favorite spot in a local forest and it was truly magical. The sun was slanting across the snow and made it glitter in so many colours, blue, red, green and pink. It was incredible. I could imagine fairies dancing across the snow and leaving their fairy dust all over the place. Since we went nice and early it was still quiet in the forest and I was able to spend some time meditating with my special tree. It is a really big beech tree, with a hollow in it's roots that makes a perfect seat for one. I really enjoyed it, and I feel I really communicated with it. It gave me some calm and strength, and I could almost feel the tree inside of me.I was a part of the world, connected by its roots to the earth, and the birds in the branches connected me to the sky. It was wonderfull and magical, and I really should go more often

Thoughts on books.

2009-01-06T17:12:00.000+01:00

I have been on a reading spree these past couple of weeks, and I wanted to share some of the wonderfull books I have discovered. First of all, there is the Night Angel trilogy by Brent Weeks. It is a series about a street kid who is apprenticed by a magical assasin. He discovers his destiny when the city he lives and works in is taken over by northern invaders. It is a serious high fantasy epic, with good characters and plots. The setting is described in full, and I really enjoyed. At the moment I am reading the latest Fiona McIntosh, Royal Exile, which is also highly enjoyable. So far it has been a real pageturner, and I can't wait to find out more. I have also read Empress of Mijak by Karen Miller. It's a fast paced book with many events. It starts out very promising, but somehow it did not really grab my attention. To me, the main character seems somewhat distant and unreal. Today I have bought part 2 in the series. It has a new main character and a different setting, so I am hopefull it is better. I really liked her other books so far, so it is too soon to give up hope entirely In between everything I have been reading some Terry Pratchett books as well. I am slowly working my way through the Discworld. I have just finished Carpe Jugulum and The fifth elephant. His books are always hilariously funny, but somehow there is almost always a reflection on our world. He tends to sneak these in, so you have to pay attention. So, that's enough writing about books. I am going back to my reading!

Snow

2009-01-05T12:28:00.000+01:00

When I woke up this morning the world was covered with a white blanket. So pretty.It will probably last a few days as well, since teperatures will drop back below freezing. In the coming night it is supposed to get real cold, minus 11 degrees centigrade. Brrrr... The entire country seems to have skating fever. It has been over ten years since we could skate on natural ice on the lakes here. I might even go ice skating as well, if I can find my iceskates. Izzy, our cat, did not like the white stuff outside. After a while he actually touched it, but you could see him thinking 'What is this cold yukky stuff on the ground? ' He continually kept one foot off the ground, even tried for two. It made walking hard, and really funny to watch. We also ventured out to do some shopping, but we went by bus instead of by bike. The roads are just to slippery.Besides, the main roads for cars have been cleared, but there is still a lot of slushy grey stuff, which I do not want to get splattered with.

New Year

2009-01-02T12:05:00.000+01:00

So, it is 2009. A brand new, fresh year, a clean slate. I have been thinking about what will happen in this year. I hope to finish my education, and so does D. We will have to find jobs, so our life will change, probably in a major way. I hope to find my way as a priestess, to discover what I am supposed to do, how I am to serve the Goddess in this world.Plus, I want to discuss getting married ( or handfasted) and starting a family...We'll see what this year brings. I had a wonderfull time celebrating the coming of the New Year. On New Years eve to close friends came over to our place. We had a nice dinner, and played boardgames till midnight. We had some sparklers and a toast to the new year, and after that we returned to playing games. It was about 4:30 am before we all went to sleep. I really enjoyed it, and I hope we will have some more game nights in 2009. I hope you all had a good celebration as well, and I wish you all the best for 2009. May the best events in 2008 be the worst in 2009.Laugh a lot, enjoy life, smile often. Love, Enelya

Survived

2008-12-28T11:03:00.000+01:00

Phew, that's over....I survived Christmas, for the last time. Next year I will go and enjoy the holidays in my own way.No formal dinner for me. So, weekend now. It's time to rest and relax. D. is playing his Xbox games at the moment,the cat is tearing down the house and I am poking around online.It's too cold to go outside today, it is still freezing here in Arnhem. Tomorrow we will have to go out, the larder is running on empty. I need to buy milk and fruit. A friend showed me this film....I know now why I wake up so abruptly

Danu

2008-12-23T14:32:00.000+01:00

As some of you may know, my patron goddess is Danu, founding mother of the Tuatha de Danaan. She is very important to me, like a mother almost. When I was poking around online I found a great song by an Irish ensemble called Anuna. The song is called Shining waters and is about Danu. I love it, and I think some of you will as well.

thoughts on tuesday

2008-12-23T13:09:00.001+01:00

I have been thinking about my studies a lot lately, since there has not been progress in them in a long time. I should have finished university years ago. Part of the delay is to blame on my depressions, but part also to myself. I think I am comfortable as a student. I know I have a place, a description of what I am. All that will change when I finish, I won't have a set place in society. Things will change for me, and I think that scares me more than I dare admit. I have been mulling about the years I wasted, and figured out something important. They are not wasted. Without them I would not have met people that have had a huge impact on my life. After failing in my first year in Russian language and culture I started as a history student. There I met E., who is still one of my best friends, despite living in Dublin. If I had finished university I would have moved sooner, and I would never have met Thessa. She has been the one who set me on the path of the Goddess, and has been a wonderfull teacher and become a great friend. Maybe this was all ment to be.....Even so, I am going to work to finish my education, despite my fears of what might or might not come after. The Goddess will be with me, wether the times are good or bad.

Yule

2008-12-21T16:35:00.000+01:00

Yesterday evening we ( as in myself and my boyfriend) attended a group celebration for Yule. We lit candles to represent the return of the light and spoke our wishes for the coming year. To me it was a very special celebration. It was the first one I could attend after my initiation as a priestess of the Goddess, and the first one that D. was present for as well. I had a lovely evening after the ritual as well. We sat talking untill 1.30 am, and only arrived home at 3 am. So this morning we slept in, and we have been enjoying our day. I have read my book, D. has been playing his Xbox games, and we will have a cosey dinner for two later on. The mad dash for Xmas is back on tomorrow, with some last minute hunting to find a butternut squash for the Xmas day starter. I hope you all enjoyed your Yule as well BB